SEEKING CONDOLENCE: Quest to find Happiness

I gathered my hair into a tight knot, ignoring the bold grey ones who mocked at me through the looking mirror. But as I wiped my face with the towel, I couldn’t ignore the fast emerging wrinkles around my eyes. I wonder where my years flew. Every inch of my body ached after a hard day at work. My assistant had conveniently forgotten to inform me about her absence from work today.

Sometimes I wonder why I take all her shit. Maybe because she knows that I can’t manage a day without her. Then she orders me around like she’s my boss. I inhaled a deep sigh and sat on my cushiony bed. At last, another day is over. And just like that hours, days, months, years would pass and I would look back and wonder what happened to my youth.

I had changed my job a few years ago because my last job as a teacher did not spare me enough time and energy to look after my family. But the present job gives me loads of it as per my husband and family members. Now I work in the most thankless job ever. I’m a housewife. I do all the mean chores. My day starts with washing dirty laundry and ends with scrubbing dishes and unclogging kitchen sinks.

Also, I take a trip to hell once a week when my maid decides to go to the movies or shopping with her boyfriend. The worst is when my husband goes all romantic on the very day I had scrubbed the floor of my 1500 sq. feet house. It’s like encountering Satan on my way to the steaming Inferno.

As I sat squinting over the sharp ache on my back, I wondered why I signed up for all this. Is this what my entire life would be all about? Working my ass off trying to make my home sparkle, cooking three meals a day and worrying what to cook the next day? What if I refused to clean my house for a couple of days? No one’s going to award me anyways for the most sparkling house in the colony. No one in my family even tries to notice or appreciates my handwork of the day. But again, am I seriously ruining my life just for inconsequential mark of appreciation from significant someone?

Then why am I doing all this? I know that my work bestows me no happiness. I’m tired and irritated throughout. I feel like a serial killer during my PMS days. My hair, skin and weight are a complete mess. I look 10 years older my age. Moreover, I’m not perfect in my job either. I’m a crappy cook, lack energy to maintain the house, often forget to buy essential groceries, and the embarrassing list goes on.

I’m aware of the fact that I’m not the traditional mom types who seek happiness in others. I cannot live my life serving others and deriving satisfaction with the fact that I did my part as a wife and mother. We all end up alone anyways. So there seems no point in losing your youth washing dirt out from other’s clothes and dishes. Being a housewife really does not mean relaxing the whole day. In fact, it means making bed for others to relax at the end of the day.

Is it true then that housewives like us seek condolences for their pathetic lifestyles? Is this the reason why although our jobs are the most tedious yet we receive least appreciation? It may be true to most extend. If we seize to appreciate ourselves, how can we expect others to respect us? Our hunger for attention leaves us bored and unworthy.

Let’s try to understand the real issue here. We may have to dabble into the past. As we can see that there is an imperious burden over women of our generation. We have observed perfect homemakers in our moms while we were encouraged to search our own path and work on an independent life. Sadly, the irony lies in the fact that although we were trained to be a career woman, yet we were married off far before we could trace our steps into a bright future. As confused as we lay, we had no clue how to be perfect like our moms. Once we achieved the expertise to some extent, we were taunted to be doing ‘nothing’. This drew us to pin down our unfulfilled dream to be a career woman. And Voila! We stand on the land of nowhere now.

Although we work extremely hard to be awarded the best mom, the best wife and the best homemaker; yet we feel that our life is missing the thrill of going places. We yearn for the independence of not begging before our husbands for money, we wish to be respected more and we long for some meaningful work that could accomplish us in these endeavor.

During this confusion, we realize that we have touched our 40s. Who would dole us out the ‘Big Break’? Our skills and creativity have kissed us goodbye long ago and how much the world has changed since we graduated. For the past twenty decades or so, we were tied up with the responsibilities. We beeped no notification on updating our skills and diplomas. And now the kids are all grown up, the in-laws are bored of making our lives hell and even the dear husband seems to lack interest in us; we have ample of time in our hands if we decide to leave the dirt alone and make it the permanent guest on the shelves. Yet we don’t know where to start. Hence, we worry and search around for a shoulder that could console us for messing up our lives.

Let it be not this way. We may lack skills but the world is far less demanding now. It is the era of creation. We simply have to sort our list of priorities. ‘Why do we seek a career’ should be the first one. Our path would be clear only when we realize what exactly we are looking for: is it money, fame, stepping out from the house, or simply something meaningful to do with our time. The choices would entirely be varied according to our intend.

Therefore, if we really want to get started, then we have to stop seeking condolences and start prioritizing our requirements. 

Sorting out our Priorities in 40s

Priorities contain the intensity to shuffle in every turn in a woman’s lifetime. Notably, as soon as we stride through the threshold of the fourth decade of our life, we ought to fasten our seat belts and set our priorities straight. Prior to this era, our lives were somehow sorted and we were aware of how to give in to the status quo. Tradition and society have decided beforehand what our priorities would be till here.

But now, our kids are grown, our home is perfect and family life is sorted. In the nutshell, all the major adjustments to be made are done. We fought a battle following the basic route, got educated, married and entered motherhood. During the journey, we lost our youth, sacrificed health and ignored knowledge. Everything we nurtured grew up and strode on their ways but we stayed stagnant, following the same old routine of every housewife.

Sadly, tradition and society helps us no longer to sort our priorities once we turn forty. We are practically jobless, hobby-less, childless and friendless. It’s never too late to press the reset button and jumble up the list of priorities. Now the things that never drew our attention are screaming for help. It’s high time that now we turn selfish from selfless and make our top priority to take care of ourselves.

1.           So, the first priority should be health, something that we’ve ignored for a very long time. And now our body’s sending weird signals to wake up and start looking after ourselves. As we now have more time in our hands, we can certainly sneak out an hour for our body and start following a healthy routine.
2.           Finding a hobby should be the second on the list. It’s the best way to beat the anxiety and stress that we feel due to the turbulence in our raging hormones as many of us are preparing to hit menopause soon enough. So grab a painting brush, or hold a ladle, share your household tips, or do anything that reaches out to make you smile. It’s the first step forward towards self discovery. If a handful of us are ambitious enough then this may lead to an opening for a career.
3.            Grab your searchlights and hunt for a Soul Sister. And once a week make it a point to meet over lunches or coffee. This is, believe me, the only way to vent out our feelings and empty our filled up hearts. We are emotional species and we really need someone who understands us, preferably women. And husbands strictly don’t fall into this category.
4.            Our spouses are our partners in life. So they deserve more of our time now. Let’s re-ignite the old flames and start re-dating our better halves or watch movies with him, or a trip to the place where you could never enter with kids hanging on your backs and shoulders. It’s actually the best age to search for the lost love that you saw the first time you met him.
5.           Now we come to the kids, who are basically not much of our priority. They have completely consumed our attention so far. But now is the time to let go and allow them to decide on their own. They are grown up enough to choose what to wear or what to eat. Like the mighty eagle, we have taught them how to fly. Now they know how to be independent. Thus, they don’t need our assistance in petty stuff of their routines. 
6.                     Revive knowledge. We had emptied our minds the day we got married and simply obeyed and followed what the elders told us to. Sadly, our kids find us dumb and ignorant. Ouch! So, start working on that- Read books, search internet, watch news, meet people with right intellect, whatever and update your mental data. Our age should reflect our wisdom.

Hopefully, I’ve covered what needs to revive a woman into a new person and these priorities must focus on our body, soul, heart, surroundings and mind. The simple crux should be that we are precious. Learning to love and respect ourselves can only lead to pure inner happiness. All this might sound selfish, but we have already spent half our lives and major part of our youth on others and never asked anything in return.

But now, it’s our time to live and see the world, experience new things and might dig into those lands where we never thought of visiting in our younger days. Our homes can survive our absence for a while, but our minds and body would be shattered if we don’t break the bonds and live for ourselves at some point in our lives. 

CONFESSIONS OF A TEENAGER'S MOM

Let’s begin with a huge round of applause for all those who fall under this category. Handling teenagers is a task that we had not consciously signed up for when we held the bundle of joy for the first time in our arms. Those innocent eyes, tiny features, soft cuddly babies had never warned us even once that after all this diaper changing phase, toddling and crawling phase (rather accident prone phase), school going phase; we would eventually encounter the real truth of the evolution of life.

Yes, the teenage phase when enters the life of our once the most cuddly creature who had never ever done anything before seeking our permission; suddenly all grows up and becomes an altogether different and independent creature. We see all those adolescent changes happening with all those mood swings, tantrums, the struggle to look pretty and forget about all the studies, and sadly last but not the least, the friends seem smarter to them than their own parents who’ve guided through life so far.

No one ever gave us any clue as to how to handle this phase. We are although sure that our parents faced similar adversities when we were young, but have the species evolved so much with the generation leap? With the full blown exposure of social media, internet and television, our kids these days stand wholly exposed to the grave evils than we had ever imagined in our days before we stepped in colleges. The innocence is lost somewhere far on the way.

It’s sad but it’s true that more we try to hide our kids from the worldly exposure of things like drugs, sex, alcohol, violence etc. still they catch up faster.

The problem is not what’s happening with them, but is that although our children have evolved and matured faster as compared to their last generation, but for us, it’s really hard to let go. One part of us believes that they are still our tiny toddlers who need us in every aspect of life. Another part of us just cannot grow up to be evolved as a parent of a teenager rather than the toddler.

If these kids have grown up, then we should too. We need to build trust with them. Instead of being a parent forever, it’s time for us to cool down and settle to be a friend. Believe me, it’s a way harder to be a pal than being a parent. For getting closer to these smart kids, we too have to really work hard to win their trust and share their interests in their free time. During that process, we have to let them take the lead for a while.

Trust is a two way street. If we expect our kids to trust us, we need to have faith in them. We conveniently boast that our upbringing was flawless, then how can we doubt the end result could be full of vices? Our kids are the mirror to our own thoughts. If we cannot trust their decisions then the flaw lies in us and not in them.

A kid belonging to a sound family with strong bond would never stray to the wrong direction. It’s not the world that spoils our child, but is the loop hole in the family that brings the doom to itself.

Treat your child as an adult. Listen to what he has to say and don’t take the liberty to spill your thoughts over it. The time to force your judgment on them was before they turned teens. Now we can only guide and suggest, that too in a humble way. We can do what good friends do… give them options and let them form their opinions themselves. 

"I do nothing, I'm a house lizard."

I met a long-lost friend recently. When I asked her about her life, she had the streak of pride and contentment in her voice as she informed me about her profession as an educationist.

“… And I am planning on expanding my business overseas.” She had those dreamy eyes as she continued darting all her quests one by one. “What are you doing these days?” She suddenly checked herself and shifted her expectant gaze at me.

I had no stories to share. I took a deep breath and hid my embarrassment;

“I do nothing, I’m a housewife.” As soon as those words slipped out from my mouth, I felt my life hollow with the lack of any noteworthy accomplishment. She had all the information required on politics, finance, worldly affairs and how business should be done; while I sat dumbfounded taking large sips of the hot coffee and looking around some sign to slip away from yet another thwarting situation.

All the way back home, I wondered if I had wasted my entire youth cleaning dishes and mopping the house. I was an intelligent student in school and my teachers had great expectations from me. But when I got married, I didn’t realize that the greater part of my time, health and energy would be sucked away by the marital commitment. Although I can proudly say that I am scoring well as an efficient house wife and mother, but is it really fulfilling to be in such a thankless and payless job?

I am aware that every housewife these days think the same. We are simply dragging our lives, counting days and waiting for weekends like every boring office job. But the difference here lies in the fact that weekends are no off for us. We work overtime instead, entertaining kids and husband as they lie on bed, ordering us around. And the worst part lies in the fact that we are not paid any bonus for working overtime.

“So, when will our life start?” I turned to my mom for help like I do habitually. She had a very confident look on her face when she replied me; “Once your kids grow up and get married, then you are free to do any job.”

I eyed her in speculation. If that was the solution, then I dared to ask her why was she lying on her bed and complaining all the time about her loneliness and joint problems. She got me married long time back. She would have sorted her life and must have been a part of a success story.

“I had no other talent, dear. I only knew how to be a home maker.” She didn’t hesitate to reply my unspoken question. The truth is that we get so badly molded by the routine that we eventually forget what else we are capable of.

I met my friends next day and my question was still the same. They eyed me suspiciously, as if I was pioneering a revolution. “What’s wrong with this? We don’t have to go to any office. We can spend all the money our husband earns. It’s a life of a queen.” One of them cheered all the others who were disgusted by my out of the box inquiry.

“Yeah, queen holding a mop.” I muttered in disappointment. She had actually responded just like my husband. Maybe we all are different and a few ladies, who find living aimlessly very satisfying, blow away the chances for those who itch to seek thrill in their lives.

I understand that it’s safer to live this way but is it that fulfilling? Why do we shy away then when we meet a successful woman? Why other women bitch about her that she is a terrible mom and an awful wife? Why do we envy her fishing out the credit card by her name and paying the bills on her own? Is it because deep inside every woman there is someone who wants to explore the world and earn every penny that she spends?

Every woman yearns to be respected and looked up. But the sad part is that we lose the respect as soon as we decide to sacrifice our dreams to sit home and take care of our families. But if we refuse to do it, then who would take care of those little things that makes the living of our kids and spouse easier. If we don’t do their laundry, then would they go to school or office in dirty or crinkled clothes? If there is no cooked food, then they would eat all the takeouts and ruin their health. Lastly, soiled and messed up homes only lead to diseases and misplaced things. Then there is definitely no use chasing dreams if our families are suffering.

Yes, we house lizards sacrifice a lot. We sit idly waiting for kids and husband to get home from school and office, and feed them healthy and clean food, give them freshly laundered clothes to wear after every bath and make sure their rooms are clean. All the time, we don’t miss the chance to dream how our life would be if we were not fixed on our house floor, mopping it clean.

Well, let me assure all my sisters that successful people don’t blink and touch their destiny overnight. They too work really hard to reach to some level. They too ruin their health and those tiny dreams of watching their kids dance on their annual function. They nurture their work just like we do to our homes. Thus, we are no different. We are successful but the credit does not fall in our laps immediately. We are paid back when our family laughs and dance around the spotless house, when we save pennies throughout the year to present ourselves with a designer purse, and when our spouse turns and smiles in satisfaction. At that very moment, we know we are on the right track. 

Trashy Entry #5: CONFESSIONS OF A HOUSEWIFE

(IVANA KHATRI, a freelance writer/ blogger)

Dear Husband,

Last night you yelled at me for no reason. I understand that you’re totally stressed out from your work and appreciate you for working so hard for us. What I really don’t understand is… why me? Why do I have to bear all your mood swings and tantrums? Let me remind you that I’m not your mother. I’m the woman who shares your life with you along with all your lows and highs. I walk along with you in smooth and rough. Still I fail to occupy any place of respect or equality whatsoever.

You accused me yesterday for a lot of things that you’ve suffered because of me. Allow me the liberty to answer all your points one by one:

1.You blamed me for doing nothing at home and enjoying my life, while you suffer working so hard. Let me first be grateful to you for being the bread earner. But, my dear, you conveniently forgot who cooks that bread for you and take care of your kids along with all the other culinary items you all wish me to expertise in as it's too expensive to eat out every weekend. Who makes sure your house, your clothes and other stuff are all clean and neatly stacked in their places, ready to use? Let’s not even bring the kids stuff in this list. I know now that the ‘job’ that I do is certainly steep low and thankless.

Kindly find a good nanny, a housekeeper, a cook and a driver for yourself and your kids. Because I SO QUIT!!

2. You held me accountable for ruining your social life… that I refuse to invite your friends and family members to entertain you out of laziness. (Lazy eh? I won’t be whining again about my lack of energy after the hectic routine).  

So dear hubby, you again missed the fact that I’d too sacrificed my family, friends, my home and even my town for marrying you. I again understand that you’re not designed to appreciate my sacrifice.

3.  I recall you have some issues with me going out for lunch or coffee get togethers. Well, I assume that I can too, raise some similar issues with you and your beer outings, game screening, weekend getaway from wife and kids… the list still goes on. What confuses me is that the stress that you claim so desperately want to flee from is... work or your wife and kids?

4. You said that I’m not a good housewife or a mother. You blamed me for all the shortcomings that our children have. Our kids are not smart and perfect enough to be showed off to make neighbors jealous. (I feel the genes could take a little bit burden of the long list of credits). And I don’t encourage loads of guests to stay at our house. Well, you took the liberty of placing such allegations on me because you think you have the upper hand of being the one who brings money at home.

Let me also take the liberty and remind you that this was the deal that we made when we tied the knot- you earn and I take care of the house. You have found loads of limitations in my work but gave me no authority to do the same. Have I ever nagged you for not getting promoted? Did I ever step into your office and meddle in your decisions regarding your work? You’ve conveniently taken my silence to be lack of education. If you want, I can show you my graduation degree. But that’s no point to discuss. I forgive you for that anyway.

But what I can’t forgive you about is that you interfere a lot at ‘my workplace’. If you don’t like my work, then hire someone else to do it. Taken if that person is willing to do it in the same amount of money that you spend on me (that, by the way is too limited) and have the patience to listen to all your nagging. Meanwhile in the free time that I’ll get, I would love to earn something for myself and fulfill my wishes which I surely could not with what I have in my pocket. 

So, as most of the hurting points are now two-way discussed, I would like to omit the petty issues. This blame game is completely exhausting and would go on forever if we continue pointing out at each other. Please remember that we are a team and not opposition parties in parliament. Nobody is perfect and we are no Gods to deserve an epitome of perfection either. Thus, we need to stick together like partners and try to ignore each other’s flaws. Keep one thing in mind that no other relation would be found beside you in tough time, except me.

P.S. Kindly keep this letter handy whenever you feel the urge to use me to drain out your stress.

Your Loving Wife.

XOXO

OUT ON VACATION (No Offence)

Half of the year has passed dragging myself along with the mind-numbing schedule. I could seriously feel my subconscious mind sending clips of beaches and hills, and lakes, and exotic food, and drinks, and music, and colors, and fresh air…….

‘Get your head back!’ I slapped my shoulder.

‘I NEED A BREAK!!’ (I hope my boss reads it). And not just a weekend getaway, I need one serious long trip that can rescue me from the abysmal routine. I can’t drag my legs on the hands of the clock for another six months, if I don’t get to charge my batteries for at least a 15- day escape. I want to sleep late, wake up around afternoon, hangout in my PJs for the rest of the day, eat without fearing calories, and forget about the concept of gym. God! Send me to a place where there’s no phone network, so that none of my office people could track me down.

The last statement that I made must have offended a lot of people, especially the teenage lot who could kill for Wifi password, and also a bunch of social media bugs who have to update their status in like every ten seconds. Sorry guys, your idea of vacation does not match mine. I guess yours is the cheapest kind of holiday. All that you’d need is a toilet and unlimited access to the internet… and you’re all set to relax.

Mine, on the other hand, is an expensive and money splurging break. Take me to a beautiful property (a five-star would be perfect), give me free vouchers of spa, bar, cafeteria and loads of exotic food in my chamber… and I’m all done for the next fortnight.

Now, I feel I offended another bunch of adventure seekers. Sorry guys, but I’m not the thrill-seeker kinds. But yes, you could send me all the beautiful pics of nature and unexplored corners of the earth. I would love some eye catching wall papers on my desktop. But I could seriously consider the lovely weather on the hilltop, cloudy and misty everywhere. Well, I could add it up in my never-ending list of a perfect holiday.

Oops, did I miss the party animals now? My apologies. Well, as I’ve already added the free access to the bar with exotic spirits and great food. So I guess I have cleared the chit to some extent. I feel no holiday can be more relaxing if we don’t find great food to satisfy our palate. (This reminds me to block my dietician for a while till my next blog is out.) I could join the parties once a while when I’m too drunk to find the blaring music disturbing and too crazy to realize how late it is. It’s a done deal then. (*thumbs up emoji*)  

I admit that after a couple of days I would miss my kids and my dog. They could come along and occupy a separate room. We can join for a movie, or food or a nice hangout in a cafeteria once a while. Don’t worry dear hubby, you’re there too. I know we share the same taste. But never ever try to drag me out from my room and take me to explore the place. (If it’s a beach, then I don’t mind at all.)

I wonder why ladies are so criticized for shopping like a maniac. As I’ve mentioned earlier, the place that I love to have a vacation in is remote, secluded, with a great property and food and all other luxuries. Why would someone leave it and wander around for a bunch of rags and jewels? Well, a few trips to gift shop would not scratch my heels. But I’m not buying anyone gifts. Kindly, understand that my vacation is already leaping out from my budget. I can’t afford to be Santa Claus during the mid of the year just because I chose to take a break from my awful routine.

I hope I’ve not missed out any luxurious detail to my ideal holiday. Although my friends and relatives would be greatly offended for not including them in all this, but guys, it’s not a thanksgiving speech. It’s just a bunch of ideas to spend my long awaited break away from the lousy life that we’d all made voluntarily. You all can spend your time the way you like. Kindly don’t feel obligated to others for making plans for you. Go for your dreams and live your life the way you want.

Of course we need loads of money for this, especially if your dream matches mine. That’s why we work our asses off throughout the year, so that we could take a vacation for 15 days at least once a year.   

Trashy Entry #4: THE 21ST CENTURY EPIDEMIC TAKING PEOPLE BY STORM- II

REMEDY:

It is definite now that we’re knocking the wrong doors. The loneliness is the weakness persisting in our minds, and not of the surroundings. There are many notable moments when we feel all alone even in a bountiful gathering. Thus, it’s nothing wrong with the place, air or weather. The glitch is in the mind, a feeling that emerges from inside, like a void that builds when we believe that people or objects would fill it when we’ll need them to. Henceforth, the cure remains with us too.

Find a hobby today! Seek the things that make you happy, even after you’ve spent hours doing it all alone and continue the ritual. We humans are creators by nature. The bliss that we seek in building something is far comparable. So find the maternal instinct inside you that keeps you going even in dull times by creating a unique piece.

Social work: Develop a habit to do something good for the society or the environment. It swells our heart with pride and sense of worth.

Invest in the relations from the start: Family is the most blessed gift from God. Despise it or like it, but they’re the reality of our existence. The time now invested in those who are close to our hearts and try to be available in their needs, can build a strong foundation to a healthy family. This gives a great sense of belongingness.

Get a pet! The innocence and overwhelming unconditional love of a pet keeps us feeling loved and wanted.

Travel and nature: Learn to relax and enjoy the nature. Nature is our ultimate undoing. We are all designed for the wilderness. But during our little span of mortal life, we seldom steal moments to stop and smell the flowers. Thus, time to learn to breathe in the fresh aroma of the flora, bathe yourself in the purple light of the setting sun, and calm your mind with the sound of the flowing water. Go places, if you can, see the wondrous creation of the Mother Nature. There is no end or any boundary that can limit the thing of beauty that embarks the joy forever.

It’s true that we are all designed to play our roles in life. But in doing so, we often forget that we’re created by nature to mingle in it one day. We keep running throughout our youth and when we stop at the finish line, we stand there confused and wonder what to do next. The old age is not the stage of loneliness as we all fear that it is. It’s basically the stage to sit back and reap the investments that we made while running our way here.

After all, sitting in a corner and sipping a nice drink with a book or ipad is actually not a bad thing to do. But doing it all over again and every single day for the next twenty years is what scares us all. Train your mind to love the beauty of life rather than fearing about the future. “And if we die alone???” Well, we all die alone. It’s not a group thing to do. So, why worry about that yet? It’s an altogether different topic.